Let me start out with, I am not a sappy person. I am not a mushy person. You will not catch me posting some motivational or inspirational or lovey dovey post on social media. If I do, it is out of irony. I might 50% like the quote and 50% think it is funny to be a snarky apathetic person. If you catch me saying something 100% endearing, wow you caught me on a good fucking day. For example, a few days ago it was Ciara’s birthday – aka my LONGEST friend in the world, 20 years of being her friend. And I text her “Happy Birthday Ciara!! Love you!!” and then 20 minutes later “Can I use your hot tub today?” – and I am sure she expected nothing less. There are only few people who have seen my truly emotional, lovey dovey, sappy, mushy gushy ushy side – and I honestly don’t think those people would consider themselves lucky. (insert another self deprecating joke here) But today I have some words – so let’s see how this goes.
Look at this little one – a bad bitch in the making. She clearly didn’t give a f**k (those asteriks are for you mom) about anything and god I wish I had that attitude still but to be honest, I don’t. I am scared. A lot. I am scared of a lot of things – and not the monsters under my bed type of scared. Scared of intangibles. But what I wanted to talk about is the fear of rejection and how stifling that can be.
I used to be scared of being rejected everywhere and at everything I did. I didn’t run the mile in high school because I was scared I wouldn’t do it fast enough and would be made fun of. I put off a stand-off-ish vibe at new jobs, not because I was trying to, but because I was too scared to talk to new people because I didn’t want them to dislike me. I was scared that the boy I had a crush on wouldn’t like me, so I was awkward AF. I was scared I would get rejected from a job I really wanted, so I didn’t apply. Typing it all out it sounds stupid, but in the moment – God was I scared.
There are so many times I have ruined things and have had missed opportunities because I was scared I would be rejected or fail. I have missed job opportunities because I was too scared to put myself out there and try. I have missed learning a new skill or developing a talent because I was too scared that no one in class would like me. I have ruined relationships because I spent too much time vying for validation. I have ruined little parts of me by letting this fear get to me.
This whole post came to me earlier this week because I had an experience that made me realize that when you put yourself out their, the reward is always greater than the risk. It is a lame example, but something that freaks me out is subbing a workout class for an instructor. The whole class, in my head I keep thinking – Does the teacher usually do it like this? I wonder if they hate this exercise? Is this format confusing? Do they like my music? Do they think I am talking too much? Or not enough? FUCK IS THIS OVER YET. Every single time. This week I subbed a spin class at a different gym than usual. It was a class full of regulars. My bike was positioned I was in a dead zone and I couldn’t hear any music. The bikes were really spread out so I could barely see anyone. The whole time I was just waiting for it to end. I was like alright – bombed that class. Better luck next time Mira. But no! So many people came up to me and told me they loved it and they are a regular at the class and they want me to sub more. So the whole time I was scared they were going to reject me and was freaked out, but in the end it was the opposite. And boy did it feel good. Now only was I relieved, I was invigorated and energized.
Granted that is a little minute experience there are things all that time that cause fear within. There is not always a rhyme or reason for it either. It could be me 200th spin class and I might panic or it could be the first day at a new job and I am totally chilling. All I have to say, is take it a step at a time. If you know there is something that super freaks you out, go little by little. There was a time when I was scared to go to workout classes alone. Now I LOVE to go alone and more so I love to TEACH them. You’ll grow.
So next time you are scared because you think you might be rejected or you might fail, just keep remembering – you won’t. I am scared every time I write a new blog post that there is some girl screenshotting it to her friend saying “ugh CLASSIC Mira – what a weirdo”- I am scared every time I hang out with my coworkers for the first time outside of work (what if not work Mira isn’t as cool as work Mira seemed) – I am scared every time I get a message from a certain someone. I am scared every day that I will be rejected and I won’t be enough. But what I realized is working through that fear and not letting it get you down – that is what makes the fear go away, that is what makes you stronger, that is what makes you more than enough.
P.S I thought that was a perfect place to end – but of course I wanted to include some sappy quote images that 13 year Mira would totally would have posted on her Xanga or BuddyProfile.
And I am going to plug my favorite motivational book/poem/saying whatever quick – Oh, the Places You’ll Go. Everyone should own a copy (or 3 in my case) because honestly – Today is your fucking day, your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!!!!